Dreams & Drugs: It's Complicated

This is a collection of poems written during my teens and early twenties, when addiction was at its most intimate. The poems move between sobriety, relapse, and the uneasy thresholds in between; where hope and fear coexist.The writing is unapologetically inward. Many of the poems orbit the self: its pain, its grandeur, its urgency to be witnessed. Read now, they can resemble narcissistic records of suffering, yet they also reveal an early self-awareness, like a recognition of that self-absorption, and an inability to stop documenting it anyway. Whether this intensity belongs to youth, addiction, or both is left unresolved.An unintentional religious undertone runs throughout, particularly Christian language of guilt, judgement, and self-surveillance. I was not religious at the time and am even less so now. Rereading these poems suggests those motifs were inherited rather than chosen, shaped by a childhood where individual pain was discouraged unless it served the collective.Taken together, these poems are less a performance than a record. They document a mind trying to survive itself, oscillating between insight and denial, arrogance and collapse: before balance, distance, or forgiveness were possible. Contents Dreams 15 A Dreamer at School16 Try-Hard17 Blossoming18 The Gambler19 Gone Finishing20 Rooting21 Move Mountains22 "Believe it or Not, It's Just Me" The Greatest American Heron Theme song23 On Behalf of Misfits Everywhere25 What I Know26 Be Beautiful27 The Maddest Vigilante28 Freedom Writer30 People Like Me #331 Pick Your play33 Ndezvenyu (That's your problem, that's a you problem)35 Why Role Models are important36 Grit #137 Courage: Know it, & know it well38 A Soldier's Tale39 Grit #240 Baton41 I Will Change the World42 Don't Suffer Fools43 Not Afraid45 The Ascension: You cannot take everybody with you46 Becoming: A prayer47 Kids Like Me48 Do You Realise That You're a Champion?49 Little Fish50 How Did You Do It?51 Friendly Reminder52 First, You Must Crawl53 Good morning, Sunshine54 The Functioning Depressive in Capitalism56 What Took You So Long? Drugs 60 THE HOOK TO MY PETER61 DEATH NOTE62 METAMORPHOSIS63 SCARS & TATTOOS64 THE ADDICT65 (DON'T) DO DRUGS, KIDS66 DONE BEING SOBER67 SAD KID SOCIETY68 WHERE DO SAD GUYS GO?69 THEY SAY IT'S A DISEASE71 SELF CRITICAL72 SADKID SPEAKS73 SELF HATE74 "I CAN QUIT WHEN I LIKE..."75 DAVE'S STORY76 RELAPSE77 LETHARGY78 DREAMS & DRUGS: IT'S COMPLICATED79 PEOPLE LIKE ME #180 CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF81 NOTE TO SELF82 DETOX83 DAMNED AND SAVED84 TOXIC HEDONISM85 SEND ME FLOWERS86 PEOPLE LIKE ME #287 HI, MY NAME IS KAREN, & I'M AN ADDICT